Thursday, January 17, 2008


On incredibly short notice, it was announced Tuesday that Bill Clinton would visit my rural, Nascar-loving Northern California town the next day. Now, it must be mentioned that no sitting or ex-President has visited Humboldt County since 1969, when Lyndon B. Johnson came to dedicate a redwood grove in his wife's name. So there was sure to be some serious swarms of aspiring Monica Lewinksys flashing their tits, as well as the inevitable Ron Paul zombies peeing their pants at the thought of asking Bill about this week's fashionable conspiracy theories.

In a shortsighted move, Bill Clinton's campaign appearance was booked in a venue that seats only 400 people. The event was scheduled to begin at 6:30 PM, with the local media suggesting that people show up at 5:30. I decided to go at 4:00, at which point thousands of people had already lined up. So I gave up and decided to listen live on local radio. (I later found out that people had started showing up at 11 AM -- it was like the opening of a Star Wars film...)

Clinton spoke for about an hour without notes, after which it was advertised that there would be a Question & Answer session. The Q & A was what I was really interested in, but the speech proved to be more entertaining than I had hoped.

At one point, the usually suave Ex-President made a bizarre Freudian slip in which he referred to the current President George W. Bush as "Bill Cinton." It was in reference to us borrowing money from other countries that do not have our best interests at heart. One of the statements he made was "Every day, we borrow money to cover Bill Clinton's tax cut!" I did not hear this wrong. The two other people listening in the room with me confirmed this "what the @%#&!?" moment (which you will not hear on the radio station's podcast, by the way, as it conveniently cuts the speech off before anything strange begins to happen).

At another point I took a bathroom break and returned to hear Bill making some sort of convoluted analogy about a "donut hole," saying "In college we used to use 'donut hole' as a euphemism." I listened for uncomfortable giggles in the live audience, but they seemed to be holding back more effectively than I was. It turned out that, rather than anything dirty, he was talking about health care and people slipping through the cracks - the "donut hole," if you will. Why he chose this particular analogy is beyond me. It eventually began to dawn on me that perhaps Bill had been partaking of some of the most profitable local export...

When the speech was over, the radio commentators began a play-by-play of Bill Clinton making his way into the crowd to pose for pictures, wondering when the advertised Q & A session would begin. One of the two radio commentators admitted that he had not been listening to the speech, and that he was "working on his own project" while Clinton spoke. The other commented on the fact that there was "a lot less security than expected, but it must have been enough, because nothing happened." At which point the second DJ said, "Nothing has happened yet." This was followed by an awkward, anticipatory silence that made me wonder exactly what sort of "project" this DJ had been busy working on during the speech, and whether it involved enriched uranium.

The Question and Answer session I had tuned in for never did materialize. No one was given the opportunity to publicly ask Bill Clinton what his favorite 4/20 activities include, whether he knew about the government's complicity in 9/11, what his wife will do about the Reptilian race that lives inside the Earth's crust, or whether he prefers Petrolia Headstash or Californian Skunk (which would have been our equivalent to the girl who asked Hillary "diamonds or pearls" at a recent debate).

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Blogger Uncle Jesse said...

yeah, i wanted to go see that, too. but i saw the line at 4:00 and it looked pretty grim.
no bill sightings around town, huh? i thought for sure he'd stop off a the schooner at least.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is your right to believe as you so desire. Truth is in the eye & heart of the beholder.
If I die in error of judgment to find there is no God, i have lost nothing. You on their other hand if you die & err on the side to find that there is a Infinite Intelligent Creator, which you defiantly denied, you have wagered & lost infinitely more then can be recovered, your immortal soul.
Rom 6:23

5:40 PM  

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